Pump Up the Jam (Diner Mix)

A parody of Technotronic's "Pump Up the Jam" (1989), rewritten in parallel so it scans to the record. Joe's Diner and its condiment plumbing, delivering toppings on tap. The original has one repeated 8-line verse plus a short hook; the tracks it line-for-line, and every bonus verse reuses the same 8-line verse metre (~4 / 6 / 6 / 8 / 7 / 10 / 8 / 8) so it drops into any verse slot. Cue in brackets = which original line each maps to.

Singalong (tracks the record, line-for-line)

Verse

Pump up the jam / Pump it up

While your bread is toasting

And the jam is pumping

Look ahead, the toast is poppin'

Plump it up, a griddle more

Get the bacon sizzlin' on the griddle

See? Cause that's where the toppin's at

And you'll fill right up, if you do that

Hook

I want / A plaice fillet

Put your butter on my crumpet, tonight

Make my tea

Bonus verses (same 8-line verse metre)

Absurd Mix

Grease up the grill / Fire it up

While the Marmite's rising

And the mainline's hissing

Watch a pensioner go flyin'

Through the skylight, cheese-compressed

Got hollandaise cascadin' down the wall

See? Cause that's where the pressure's at

And you'll run for cover — fancy that!

Carry On Mix

Pump up the baps / Warm 'em up

While the crumpet's toasting

And the joint needs basting

Nice pair, madam? Don't be hasty

Give the melons here a squeeze

Get the faggots goin' round the table

See? Cause that's where the naughty's at

And it's ooh, matron, chew on that!

Carry On menu board

Slot alternatives (many more possibilities)

• a place to stay → a plaice fillet / a bacon bap / a cheese soufflé

• booty on the floor → butter on my crumpet / bacon on the griddle / syrup on my pancakes

• make my day → make my tea / make my toast / bake my bread

• feet are stomping → bread is toasting / eggs are poaching / beans are heating

• crowd is jumping → toast is popping / fat is spitting / kettle's whistling

• pump it up a little more → plump it up, a griddle more

• party's at → toppin's at / gravy's at / breakfast's at

• you'll find out if you do that → you'll fill right up if you do that

• Technotronic → Techno-tonic (serve with gin)

• Carry On food-innuendo bank: baps, crumpet, faggots, spotted dick, tart, melons, plums, nuts; "nice pair of baps", "a good basting", "seconds, madam?", "ooh, matron".